In matters of the heart and sacred commitments, striking the delicate balance between faith, hope, and emotional well-being can present profound challenges for individuals preparing for marriage. This reality came to the forefront in a recent advisory counseling session led by prominent Islamic scholar Shaykh Faraz Rabbani, founder and executive director of SeekersGuidance. Responding to a distressed individual grappling with a turbulent engagement, the scholar provided comprehensive guidance grounded in traditional jurisprudence, psychological well-being, and interpersonal ethics.
The inquiry, submitted by an engaged individual deeply torn about whether to walk away from a prospective marriage, highlighted a series of alarming red flags. The questioner revealed that they had caught their fiancé messaging other women and subsequently discovered a suspicious second social media account operating under his name. When confronted, the fiancé offered excuses, swore an oath on the Quran proclaiming his innocence, and demanded that the topic never be broached again. Compounding the distress, whenever the questioner attempted to express feelings of hurt, the fiancé reportedly broke promises, hung up phone calls, blocked communication channels, and ignored visible signs of emotional pain.
Having initially entered the relationship seeking a marriage rooted strictly in religious values—and having performed the traditional prayer of guidance, istikhara, repeatedly—the individual found themselves severely conflicted. The core dilemma centered on how to weigh a solemn oath taken on the holy text against persistent behavioral patterns that exhibited a complete lack of remorse, empathy, or emotional safety. Expressing feelings of being broken and harboring a fear of never finding genuine loyalty, the questioner stood at a crossroad, torn between a faint hope that the partner might change and the urgent necessity to protect their own faith and mental health.
Addressing these profound concerns, Shaykh Faraz Rabbani opened his counsel by validating the emotional toll the situation had exacted. He directly addressed the core issue of communication and emotional invalidation, noting that being deeply hurt and subsequently ordered never to speak of that pain again represents a serious warning sign in any developing relationship.
Understanding the Nature of Engagements
The scholar immediately clarified a fundamental legal and social distinction within Islamic tradition regarding the status of an engagement. He emphasized that it is entirely permissible for an individual to end an engagement without needing to formally prove misconduct or justify why they choose not to proceed.
This permissibility stems from the foundational legal reality that an engagement is essentially a promise to marry in the future, rather than a binding matrimonial contract itself—a principle well-documented in classical Hanafi jurisprudence texts, such as Mirqat al-Mafatih Sharh Mishkat al-Masabih by Imam Qari. Because the formal contract has not been executed, either party retains the full autonomy to walk away if compatibility, trust, or peace of mind is found to be lacking.
Rather than anchoring a decision solely on a single isolated incident or a dramatic oath, the scholar advised the questioner to evaluate the individual’s overall religious and worldly uprightness. He suggested gathering insights quietly from mature, objective individuals who know the suitor well, while paying close attention to the company he keeps and how he genuinely allocates his time.
Evaluating Religion and Character Together
Delving deeper into the criteria for selecting a life partner, Rabbani referenced established prophetic traditions emphasizing that families should accept a suitor whose religion and character meet with approval. He explained that a truly successful union requires both active religious concern, known as din, and good character, known as husn al-khuluq.
The scholar elaborated that true religious concern goes far beyond outward displays of devotion or seeming piety. Instead, it encompasses an inner moral compass, humility in accepting the sacred trust of marriage, and an inherent care for what is objectively right and ethical.
Furthermore, good character is rarely revealed during easy moments; rather, it manifests most clearly during conflict, stressful tests, or situations that upset a person. The scholar drew a direct parallel to the questioner’s reported experiences, pointing out that a partner who responds to a distressed, weeping fiancée by going to sleep, cutting off communication, and breaking promises is actively demonstrating how he is likely to handle the inevitable hardships and pressure points of a lifelong marriage.
Seeking Objective Counsel Privately
Recognizing that repeated confrontations with the fiancé had reached an impasse, Rabbani advised against attempting to resolve the situation through further direct inquiries. Since the fiancé had already offered his version of events, pressing the matter further would yield little clarity.
Instead, the scholar recommended a measured, discreet approach. He suggested having a trusted elder family member quietly consult mature, upright individuals who possess deep, firsthand knowledge of the suitor. Echoing advice from fellow SeekersGuidance and al-Maqasid scholar Shaykh Yusuf Weltch, Rabbani noted that the most reliable character witnesses are often those who have spent extended periods of time, traveled, or engaged in business transactions with the individual.
When seeking such advice regarding a prospective spouse, those consulted hold a moral duty to speak the absolute truth. This responsibility includes disclosing any active sins, problematic behaviors, or addictions—such as sinful or deceptive internet usage—that could directly jeopardize a future marriage.
At the same time, the scholar issued a cautionary note regarding personal boundaries, advising against invasive investigative methods. He reminded the questioner of Quranic injunctions against excessive suspicion and prying into the private matters of others. Vetting a suitor should rely on asking about his current character and daily conduct from trusted community sources, rather than digging through private accounts or unearthing past sins. Information gathered through this process should remain strictly confidential.
Placing Oaths in Perspective
Addressing the fiancé’s dramatic use of a religious oath, Rabbani provided necessary legal and spiritual context. Whether the individual swore truthfully remains a matter strictly between him and the Creator. From a technical standpoint within the Hanafi legal tradition, valid formal oaths must be sworn directly by Allah, and swearing by the Quran alone carries specific jurisprudential nuances that require consultation with a qualified scholar in person.
More importantly, the scholar emphasized that even a technically sound oath speaks only to past events. An oath cannot function as a reliable predictor of whether two people can successfully build a peaceful, stable home together.
Preparing for the Decision Ahead
As the individual weighs their next steps, the guidance encouraged utilizing available educational resources, such as specialized courses on building successful Muslim marriages, to gain deeper clarity on marital rights, responsibilities, and compatibility criteria.
Acknowledging the pervasive fear of never finding a loyal partner, Rabbani assured the questioner that while such anxieties are deeply human and understandable, they do not constitute a valid reason to remain in an emotionally unsafe or harmful relationship. He pointed to foundational Islamic verses reminding believers that human perception is limited, and that individuals frequently dislike circumstances that ultimately prove to be beneficial for them, trusting that divine wisdom encompasses outcomes beyond immediate comprehension.